Shawn Berman, Etc.
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I woke up in a dumpster full of pot brownies and i ate them →

purplepiglit:

My greatest strength is chomping down on my molars really hard and making them hurt and wondering why my gums are always bleeding.

Makes me feel special.

Like the time I got a hand job from my girlfriend in middle school but she forgot lube and she said something like, ‘ah, shit, I forgot the…

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This will be a good memory – you think. Can’t wait to remember it.

-Sam Pink

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A Good Ass Slap Can Go A Long Way

ever walked down the street and thought, ‘wow i really want to make sandcastles with random strangers right now’?

(c) shawn berman

I Know You Are Nice But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Gonna Share My Drugs With You

Urge to donate all of my clothes/belongings to charity so I don’t go to hell and when I get to the charity to donate my stuff the charity director will say, ‘wow, that’s a lot of stuff you got. Thanks a lot!’ and I will say, ‘it’s not a problem,’ as I wheel all my shit over to him. As I wheel my shit over an illegal immigrant who is driving a taxi will hit me and he won’t stop. The charity director will come running over to me and go, ‘holy shit, man, are you okay?’ and I will say, ‘you can have these clothes, too. Just pour some beer over my broken leg so I can go on with my day.’ And he will pour some beer on my leg and I will end the conversation with, ‘ahh, that will do it. Now play my song.’ And he will be confused for a second or so but the taxi driver will come back with a banjo and record us singing so he can use it as his voice mail so telemarketers will not call during dinner. Taxi driver will say, ‘hey, you guys wanna go fishing?’ and I will say, ‘ya kow, I kinda got this thing at this place to do. It’s kinda important. It’s got a live studio audience and shit.’ Taxi driver will say, ‘oh, where is it? I’ll drive you there.’ But I will crawl away and I will keep crawling until the charity director comes running down the street and cuts my leg off with a dull butter knife and says, ‘I’m sorry we can’t be friends. But I really want your leg so I can make a bong out of it.’ I will tell him it’s not a problem and that I’ll see him next week.

(c) shawn berman 

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I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (Player Piano)
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This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.
Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club (via passionate-ambivalence)
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(via venomou-s)

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